Funny One Line Sentences

Those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

Early bird gets the worm period, but the second mouse gets the cheese

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

OK, what's the speed of darkness?

How do you say if you do not invisible ink?

If everything seems to go well, you have obviously overlooked
something.

Support bacteria - they are the only culture some people have

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

If everything comes your way, you're on the wrong track.

The goal is a poor excuse for not enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some have no film.

Drink 'til they cute, but stop before the wedding

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Many people quit looking for work if they find a job.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill.

Energizer Bunny arrested, with the battery.

If Barbie is so popular, why did you buy her friends?

May Eagles soar, but weasels do not sucked into jet engines

I am not cheap, but I'm in this week special

I drive too fast to worry about cholesterol

I love defenceless animals, especially in a good sauce

If you do not Makin 'waves, you is not Kickin' hard enough!

Mental backup in progress - Do not disturb!

Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty and illegal in 37 states

Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

Give a man a free hand and he'll run all over you.

When I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ...

24 hours a day ... 24 beers in a case ... Coincidence?

If I'm not in my head right, left my mind gets pretty crowded.

Boycott shampoo! The demand of the REAL poo!

If you choke a smurf, what color is it?

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard drive?

What happens if you scared half to death twice?

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I had an open mind, but my brain kept falling out.

I could not repair your brakes, so I understand your horn louder.

Laughing Stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

Why do psychics have to ask for your name?

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Cord pillow: it makes the headlines!

I tried cold Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

If at first you do not succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you tired of thinking.

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

He hesitates is probably right.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private and failure in its entirety.

The colder the X-ray table, the more your body needs.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
Research.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to your
Principles.

Two injustice are just the beginning.

You can never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The problem with the gene pool is that there are no rescue swimmers.

Monday is a terrible way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you have to choose between two evils, choose the one never tried.

Change is inevitable .... except from vending machines.

No sweat petty crime things .... or pet sweaty things.

A fool and his money are soon party.

Spontaneous plan tomorrow.

Always try too modest. And very proud of them!

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Love can blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Attempt a new car for your spouse-it'll a great trade!

Drugs can lead to nowhere, but at least it is the scenic route.

Everyone repeat after me ....." We are all individuals. "

I would kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Death to all fanatics!

The guests, kill talk show on the last Geraldo.

Bills travel through the e-mail at twice the speed of checks.

Borrow money from pessimists-they do not expect it back.

Caution geeks with gifts.

Half the people you know are below average.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad reputation.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made on the spot.

Friends help you move, real friends help you move bodies.

From an actual legal transcript

Q: "Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?"

A: "We both do."

Q: "Voodoo?"

A: "We do."

Q: "You do?"

A: "Yes, voodoo."

The Ferris Wheel

A man and woman went to the fair. The woman wanted to go to the Ferris wheel, but the man was not comfortable with that. So the woman went on the trip by itself. The wheel went round and round, and suddenly the woman was thrown and landed in a pile to her husband's feet.

"Are you injured?" He asked.

"Of course I'm hurt!" She replied. "Three times around and you did not even wave!"

Bill Clinton Clock

Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As they stood before St. Peter in the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

She asked: "What are the reasons for all those clocks?"

St. Peter replied: "Those are Lie-watches. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said Hillary, whose clock is that? "

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that they have never told a lie in its long life."

"And whose clock is that?" Hillary said.

"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Honest Abe said only 2 lies in his entire life."

"Where is Bill's clock?" Hillary asked.

"Bill's clock is in Jesus' office. He uses it as a fan."

You Know You're From Canada When...

1st You only know three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.

2nd You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

3rd The mosquitoes have landing lights.

4th You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

5th You have 10 favorite recipes for moose meat.

6th Canadian Tire in each Saturday is busier than the toy stores for Christmas.

7th You live in a house that does not step forward, but the door is one meter above the ground.

8th You have taken your kids trick-or-treating in a Blizzard.

9th Driving is better in winter because the potholes are filled with snow.

10th You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel shirt night with only 8 buttons.

11st You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.

12nd The local paper covers national and international headlines on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey.

13rd At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.

14th The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.

15th Your snow blower is stuck on the roof.

16th You think the start of deer season is a national holiday.

17th They head south to your cottage.

18th They often clean your barbecue fat, so the bears do not prowl on your deck.

19th You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

20th The large parish fund-raiser is not bingo it's sausage.

21st You can find a little-40C cool.

22nd The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.

23rd They attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your Sorel.

24th You can play in the street hockey skates.

25th You know 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and construction.

26th The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.

27th They understand the Labatt Blue commercials.

28th They perk when you hear the theme from "Hockey Night in Canada".

23 Dangerous Child Facts

1st A king-size waterbed holds enough water to fill 2000 sq. foot house 4 cm deep.

2nd If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3rd A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4th If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to turn a 42-pound boys wear Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 feet space.

5th You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a racket, you must throw the ball a few times before you hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6th The glass in windows (even double pane) does not stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7th When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.

8th Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and many of them.

9th A six years old can start a fire with a flint rock, although a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on a cloudy day.

10th Certain Legos by the digestive tract of a four-year-old.

11st Play Dough and Microwave should never be in the same sentence.

12nd Super Glue is forever.

13rd No matter how much Jell-O man in a swimming pool you still can not Walk on Water.

14th Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15th VCR's not eject PB & Jam sandwiches, even though TV commercials show that they do.

16th Garbage bags are not good parachutes.

17th Marbles in gas tanks make much noise when driving.

18th You probably do not want to know what that smell is.

19th Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

20th The local fire brigade consists of a 5-minute response time.

21st The spin cycle in the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22nd It is, however, cats dizzy.

23rd Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

Dumb Policeman

A policeman stops a lady, and calls for its license. He says: "Lady, it says here that you should glasses."

The woman replied, "Well, I have contacts."

The policeman replied: "I do not mind, you know, you're still a ticket!"

Children's Books You'll Never See

"You Are Different and That's Bad"

"Dad's New Wife Timothy"

"Pop! Goes the Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games"

"Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Household Pets"

"Babar Meets the Taxidermist"

"Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence"

"The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegtables"

"Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change from your Mom's Purse"

"The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy"

"Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will"

"The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead"

"How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School"

"Controlling the Playground: Respect Through Fear"

"You Were an Accident"

"Strangers Have the Best Candy"

"The Little Sissy Who Snitched"

"Some Kittens Can Fly!"

"Getting More Chocolate on Your Face"

"Where Would You Like to be Buried"

"Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"

"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer-Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"

"All Dogs Go to Hell"

"The Kid's Guide to Hitchhiking"

"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer, They Say God Did It"

"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"

"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"

"Mr. Fork and Ms Electrical Outlet Become Friends"

"Bi-Curious George"

"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"

The Vet

A man brought a very limp dog into the animal clinic. When he was the dog on the table, the doctor pulled out his stethoscope, with the receptor on the dog of the breast. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said: "I am sorry, but your dog has died."

"What?" the man shouted "How can you say? They have not yet done all the tests on him or something. I want a different opinion!"

With that the veterinarian turned around and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador retriever. The Retrievers went right to work, checking the poor dead dog thoroughly with his nose. After a considerable amount of colds, unfortunately Retriever shook his head and said: "Bark" (meaning "dead as a doornail).

The veterinarian then took the Labrador and returned in a few moments with a cat, even carefully own heart from the poor dog on the table. Like his predecessor, the cat shook his head sadly and said: "Meow" (meaning "the story"). He jumped from the table and ran out of the room.

The veterinarian handed the man a bill for $ 600.

The owner of the dog went berserk. "$ 600! Easy to tell me my dog is dead? This is outrageous!"

The vet shook his head and says, unfortunately. "If you had my word for it, the prosecution would have $ 50, but with the laboratory work and the CAT scan ..."

Things To Do In An Elevator...

When people get, ask for their tickets.

If there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it was not.

Press the button and say they give you a shock. Smile, and go back.

Ask if you push the button for other people, but push the wrong.

Keep the doors open and say you are waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say: "Hi Mike. How is your day?"

When the doors close, menacingly announce that "There will be a bumpy ride."

Constantly bouncing a tennis ball.

Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, say, "that's mine!"

Stand in the corner reading a telephone book, laughing.

Take pictures of all the lift.

Turn the light on the elevator to the "conservation of energy."

Let a box in the corner, and if someone to ask them if they hear what is ticking.

When the doors close announce that the other, "It's okay. Do not panic, they open again."

Slide your floor button with your nose.

Stand alone, and if the doors are open say that the people trying to get in the car is full and that they should wait for the next one.

Swat flies, which do not exist.

Ride naked.

Press the top floor and announce that you tried to kill himself yesterday but the other building was not high enough.

Talk to people about the "golden age of elevators in the 50's."

Jump rope.

Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

Questions: "Did you feel that? I felt a rumble."