Monday, May 24, 2010

Retirement Humour

Question: How many days in a week?

Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?

Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?

Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?

Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?

Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?

Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?

Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses
to retire?

Answer: NUTS!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or

Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will
want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?

Answer: Normal.

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?

Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a

Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but
misses the people he used to work with?

Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

Saturday, May 31, 2008

Funny One Line Sentences

Those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

Early bird gets the worm period, but the second mouse gets the cheese

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

OK, what's the speed of darkness?

How do you say if you do not invisible ink?

If everything seems to go well, you have obviously overlooked

Support bacteria - they are the only culture some people have

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

If everything comes your way, you're on the wrong track.

The goal is a poor excuse for not enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some have no film.

Drink 'til they cute, but stop before the wedding

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Many people quit looking for work if they find a job.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill.

Energizer Bunny arrested, with the battery.

If Barbie is so popular, why did you buy her friends?

May Eagles soar, but weasels do not sucked into jet engines

I am not cheap, but I'm in this week special

I drive too fast to worry about cholesterol

I love defenceless animals, especially in a good sauce

If you do not Makin 'waves, you is not Kickin' hard enough!

Mental backup in progress - Do not disturb!

Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty and illegal in 37 states

Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

Give a man a free hand and he'll run all over you.

When I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ...

24 hours a day ... 24 beers in a case ... Coincidence?

If I'm not in my head right, left my mind gets pretty crowded.

Boycott shampoo! The demand of the REAL poo!

If you choke a smurf, what color is it?

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard drive?

What happens if you scared half to death twice?

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I had an open mind, but my brain kept falling out.

I could not repair your brakes, so I understand your horn louder.

Laughing Stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

Why do psychics have to ask for your name?

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Cord pillow: it makes the headlines!

I tried cold Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

If at first you do not succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you tired of thinking.

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

He hesitates is probably right.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private and failure in its entirety.

The colder the X-ray table, the more your body needs.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to your

Two injustice are just the beginning.

You can never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The problem with the gene pool is that there are no rescue swimmers.

Monday is a terrible way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you have to choose between two evils, choose the one never tried.

Change is inevitable .... except from vending machines.

No sweat petty crime things .... or pet sweaty things.

A fool and his money are soon party.

Spontaneous plan tomorrow.

Always try too modest. And very proud of them!

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Love can blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Attempt a new car for your spouse-it'll a great trade!

Drugs can lead to nowhere, but at least it is the scenic route.

Everyone repeat after me ....." We are all individuals. "

I would kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Death to all fanatics!

The guests, kill talk show on the last Geraldo.

Bills travel through the e-mail at twice the speed of checks.

Borrow money from pessimists-they do not expect it back.

Caution geeks with gifts.

Half the people you know are below average.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad reputation.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made on the spot.

Friends help you move, real friends help you move bodies.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

From an actual legal transcript

Q: "Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?"

A: "We both do."

Q: "Voodoo?"

A: "We do."

Q: "You do?"

A: "Yes, voodoo."