Jokes of the day

Cannibal in a restaurant...

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...

+ Broiled Missionary: $10.00
+ Fried Explorer: $15.00
+ Grilled Republican: $20.00
+ Baked Democrat: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a price difference for the Democrat?'

The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of shit, it takes all morning."

Did I read that right?

Did I read that sign right?
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park: (I sure hope so)
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Tree huggers

While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the hell are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.

"You've gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, and then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the hell happened to you?"

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said:

"This just ain't gonna be your day, cup cake"

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

The question that everyone has been dying to know...Why did the chicken cross the road?

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.

PLATO: For the greater good.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

KARL MARX: It was historically inevitable.

HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.

LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives calledinto question.

MOSES: and God came down from the heavens, and he said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.

JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?

BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but also will lay eggs, file your import documents, and balance your checkbook.

OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

DARWIN: Chicken, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such ways that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon you frame of reference.

BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road, it transcended it.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

Mysterious Phrases Explained

The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the mysterious language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading a PhD dissertation or academic paper.

"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"...
I didn't look up the original reference.

"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"...
These data are practically meaningless.

"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS"...
An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.

"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"...
The other results didn't make any sense.

"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"...
This is the prettiest graph.

"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"...
I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.

"IN MY EXPERIENCE"...
Once.

"IN CASE AFTER CASE"...
Twice.

"IN A SERIES OF CASES"...
Thrice.

"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"...
I think.

"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"...
A couple of others think so, too.

"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE" ...
Wrong.

"ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"...
Rumour has it.

"A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE FINDINGS"...
A wild guess.

"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"...
Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass iced tea.

"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"...
I don't understand it.

"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"...
They don't understand it either.

"THANKS ARE DUE TO JOE BLOTZ FOR ASSISTANCE WITH THE EXPERIMENT AND TO CINDY ADAMS FOR VALUABLE DISCUSSIONS"...
Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant.

"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"...
A totally useless topic selected by my committee.

"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD"...
I quit.

Unusual Theorems

Theorem 1. A sheet of writing paper is a lazy dog.

Proof: A sheet of paper is an ink-lined plane. An inclined plane is a slope up. A slow pup is a lazy dog. Therefore, a sheet of writing paper is a lazy dog.

Theorem 2. A peanut butter sandwich is better than eternal happiness.

Proof: A peanut butter sandwich is better than nothing. But nothing is better than eternal happiness. Therefore, a peanut butter sandwich is better than eternal happiness.

Theorem 3. A crocodile is longer than it is wide.

Proof: A crocodile is long on the top and the bottom, but it is green only on the top; consequently, a crocodile is longer than it is green. A crocodile is green along both its length and width, but it is wide only along its width; consequently, a crocodile is greener than it is wide. Therefore, a crocodile is longer than it is wide. Q.E.D.

Theorem 4. Every horse has an infinite number of legs.

Proof : Horses have an even number of legs. Behind they have two legs, and in front they have fore legs. This makes six legs, which is certainly an odd number of legs for a horse. But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity. Therefore, horses have an infinite number of legs.

Theorem 5. Napoleon was a poor general.

Proof: Most men have an even number of arias. Napoleon was warned that Wellington would meet him at Waterloo. To be forewarned is to be forearmed. But four arms is certainly an odd number of arms for a man. The only number that is both even and odd is infinity. Therefore, Napoleon had an infinite number of arms in his battle against Wellington. Since Napoleon still lost the battle, he must have been a very poor general indeed.l2

Theorem 6. If 1/0 = ¥ , then 1/¥ = .

Proof (by rotation). Given 1/0 = ¥ , rotate both sides 90° counterclockwise and obtain -10 = 8 . Subtract 8 from both sides: - 18 = 0. Finally, rotate both sides 90° in the reverse direction: 1/¥ = 0.

Theorem 7. Death comes to no man.

Proof. As is well known and celebrated in legend and song, when we approach death, our whole life flashes in front of us. This short review—if it is to be complete—must also include the moment we approached death and the flashback of our life. But this second flash must by the necessity of completeness include another flash of life. And that flashback must include still another and another, etc., etc. Hence, although we may approach death, all eternity is not enough time for us to reach it.

—This is known as "Leinbach's Proof" from Flight into Darkness by Arthur Schnitzler.

Theorem 8. All governments are unjust.

Proof: To establish the truth of this proposition we need only show it true for an arbitrary government. But by definition, a government that is arbitrary is unjust.

Theorem 9. Christmas = Halloween = Thanksgiving (at least for assembly language programmers).

Proof: By definition, Christmas = Dec. 25; Halloween = Act. 31; Thanksgiving = Nov. 27, sometimes. Again by definition,

Dec 25 is 25 base 10 or (2 x 10) + (5 x 1) = 25.

Oct 31 is 31 base 8 or (3 x 8) + (1 x 1) = 25.

Nov 27 is 27 base 9 or (2 x 9) + (7 x 1) = 25.13

Humour stories

A young man was at a party in Scotland fully dressed in his native kilt, every male there was. He had been dancing with several young ladies, but none of them had really interested him. But, there was one girl who he had noticed that he wanted in the worst way. He was shy however and did not have the nerve to ask. Just as the last song was coming on Jill, the girl he fancied, came over and asked him, "Would you like to dance with me?"

Thoroughly pleased the young man responded, "Aye, how could you tell?"

She responded, "By the gleam in your eye."

After they danced the last dance Jill asked him, "Would you like to walk me home?"

The boy was so pleased he eagerly responded, "Aye, how could you tell?"

She responded, "By the gleam in your eye."

When they reached the girls house she calmly asked him, "Would you like to come in and sleep with me?"

He was so excited, he really was curious this time, "Was it the gleam in my eye?"

Jill responded, "No the wee tilt in your kilt."

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Test this

A police officer pulls over a Scottish man who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the man's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."

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Did you hear about the two Scotsmen who were stopped by the police for being drunk and disorderly? It turned out that the first had been drinking battery acid and the second had been swallowing fireworks.

One was charged and the other was let off.

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An American was going for a job interview in the Scottish countryside and on the way out he asked a local farmer for directions:
“Excuse me dude could you possibly tell me the quickest way to London?”
The farmer said: “You driving or walking, lad?”
The American replied: “Driving.”
The farmer nodded, saying:
“Yup, definitely the quickest way”

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An American visitor to Lindores Abbey was being shown round by the abbot when a monk shouted out “64!”

All the other monks roared with laughter.
Another then called out “15!” — again much laughter.
“What’s going on?” asked the visitor.
“They know each other’s jokes inside out” said the abbot. “So rather than tell them each time, they’ve numbered them. If one calls out a number, they think of the joke and laugh. Have a go...”
The visitor called out “45!” and there was a small ripple of polite laughter.
“I’m afraid,” said the abbot, “that’s not very funny. Try again.”
So, the visitor called out “56!” and there was uproar.
“Must have been a good joke,” he said.
“Yes,” said the abbot wiping his eyes. “And we’ve never heard it before.”

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